10 Things I like About You

Ten things you can do after achieving the position of Supreme Leader: A eulogy of sorts for Saparmurat Niyazov, taken from his own life (1940-2006).

• 10 - Erect a 35ft gold statue of yourself in your hometown that follows the path of the sun (much more impressive than showing up at your high school reunion in a porsche with the trophy bride).


• 9 - Declare beards and long hair illegal (easy way to put a stop to bad poetry, except yours of course which you will read on national television).


• 8 - Officially change the names of days and months for family members and friends, reserving of course January for yourself, and declare that there are only eight months in a year just for good measure (this is also a good reason to befriend meglomaniacal Supreme Leaders)


• 7 - Write your own mythic autobiography and then require all school-children to read and memorize it as their primary textbook


• 6 - Ban all opera, ballet and recorded music as 'unnecessary' (the people have your poetry to listen too afterall).


• 5 - Institute 'National Melon Day' in celebration of your country's proud tradition of growing melons: "Let the life of every Turkmen be as beautiful as our melons." (I assume this holiday was concocted during a particularly boozey night at Hooters in Ashgabat, kind of like Kwanza).


• 4 - Close every hospital ouside of your capital (funny this, dictators usually don't have a problem attracting the sick).


• 3- Put your portrait on all the stamps and money of your country, so all of those poor sots you rule over can always adore you even if they can't buy anything with your worthless currency.


• 2 - Show that you are a loving family man, by officially changing the word for 'bread' to your mother's name (hey, we love motherhood and apple pie, why not just combine them? Ummm...I would love a nice slice of homemade Barbara Bush with my coffee about now).


• 1 - Build an Ice Palace celebrating your rule despite the fact that you rule over a country in the world's hottest desert (taking a cue, methinks, from our beloved Gilles Duseppe of 'Le Bloc' I fear. Can the enormous Sleigh of Profundity pulled by a hundred wolf-riding dwarves be far behind?).

Ah -the world mournes the passing of yet another crazy-assed son-of-a-bitch!